Lower Your Expectations

I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Gotten attached too quickly. Cared too much. It's my greatest strength, and my biggest weakness.

And I'm not even sure why I've decided to write about this now. It feels like I'm exposing a massive flaw, something that's considered a turn-off, but it's who I am and what's shaped me into the woman I am today - an empathetic badass.

It's no secret that it's been a weird, difficult couple of months for me since moving down to London (or a weird, difficult 23 years for me in general), and people tell you that life moves quickly and differently down here but you can never really prepare for it. And yes, I had to stop myself writing the Ferris Bueller 'life moves pretty fast' quote just then.

It really is all swings and roundabouts, peaks and troughs, ups and downs.

Having to leave your living situation, moving in with your best friend, finding out the flat has mould and having to move back home to bonny Scotland for a month while it's sorted, only to wake up and see you've won £500 through Premium Bonds.

All of these external circumstances of course affect me. But for me, it's all about the people. Connections. Like and love and loss and lust.

Being rejected by a friend, or someone you thought could be. Being rejected by a boy, who you really liked. Being asked out by another boy, and saying no, still feeling hung up on the other one because apparently you like to cause yourself more heartache than necessary.

Does this train of thought stem from me deciding to waste an hour and a half of my life watching He's All That? Highly possible. Also, Geek Charming did the gender swapped She's All That first and it did it better - shoutout to DCOMs for always bringing the fire.

Yet it's always there. I'm rewatching New Girl for the billionth time and still find myself pining after the emotionally unstable and unavailable Nick Miller, when there are characters like Schitt's Creek's Patrick who are stable in all aspects of their life, and know what they what.

My first tattoo was a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (did somebody say long term mental health issues?), and no, it isn't "We accept the love we think we deserve", but based on what I've written so far isn't that true? Of course, I should never have doubted any words that came out of our lord and saviour Paul Rudd's mouth (Josh in Clueless is also up there with the greats).

So here you are, convincing yourself that despite the fact that you’re listening to ‘good 4 u’ on repeat and checking every five minutes to see if that one person has seen your Instagram story of you doing really well yet (and if they have, why haven’t they said anything???), you’re a strong independent grown ass woman who doesn’t need anyone or anything - except for maybe your mum, a sugared cuppa and a good cuddle.

My anxiety just can't take a break, and my heart just can't take a hint.

I constantly wonder what I did wrong, what I'm doing wrong, and what the fuck I'm doing with my life in general.

And I can be selfish with it too. Naturally, the main character energy comes to the surface. Muting group chats because other people are also having problems but you just can't face that right now because no one else gets it. Spoiler alert - they do, just read anything by Matt Haig or Neil Hilborn.

Sometimes I can't look at the bigger picture. The people who do love me and care about me as much as I do with them. These are the people I need to focus on.

I get so caught up in trying to create fleeting connections and to get people to reciprocate feelings that aren't there, that I forget about the people that are always there.

Recently I said to a friend "I just need to chill". And her response really touched me. She said, "you don't need to chill. Someone will appreciate that aspect of you." And I know the title of this post is Lower Your Expectations (another nod to another boy who'd be bad for me that I'm insanely attracted to, hey Bo Burnham), but I think this is really about learning to know your expectations, and know what you really deserve.

Jesus Christ, I just realised this post is proof of me turning into Abed from Community with all these TV show references, but as with his character, it's how I've learned what to expect from human behaviour and relationships, which is a fatal flaw. The only thing that will really teach you is real life experience.

Real life is beautiful and painful and overwhelming. It makes you who you are. And you are infinite.

Love always,

Annabelle